Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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