If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
