we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
