dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
someone owes me an orgasm
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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