I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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