Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
