I wannas sexs uuuuu
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
