someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
