True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
