sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it's like iHOP with fire
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
