Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
