Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
