Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
