the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
