He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
