I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
