I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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