The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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