I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
