I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
