Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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