we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
