I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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