Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
