Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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