Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
