i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
