I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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