I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
