i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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