she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
