eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
