I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
