I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
