If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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