I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
