In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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