It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
