im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
