Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
