So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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