Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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