12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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