Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
