Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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