I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
