She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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