Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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