wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
