He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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