Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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